Official Fanfiction University for Naruto
by Kyuubi no Kitsune9
Summary: Here is where the fanwriters learn to write good fanfiction. Here is where the mini Kyuubis lie. Coincidentally, here is where they make excellent pasta. And here is where Alice has been sent to learn the etiquettes of writing Naruto fanfiction. Enrolment
1. Bad things happen when computers go boom

**Disclaimer:** This is a spin-off from Camilla Sandman's OFUM, all credit goes to her and I do not, under any circumstances, own Naruto.

* * *

There is a place. It is located somewhere extremely cold, so with no tanned beauties around, it's not the most popular tourist attraction. Most of this place is covered by thick forest, but in the midst of it, a town thrives. In addition, a couple of supermarkets.

This is completely unimportant and irrelevant to whom we're focusing on, since she doesn't get out much. This particular tale is about an over-weight, anti-social seventeen year-old, and the day she was hit by a truck and ended up in Middle-Earth.

…

Our deepest apologies; right pot, wrong kitchen. This is, in fact, a story about an over-weight, anti-social girl who attempted to pair up Gaara and Hanabi, and the consequences that followed.

…

Alice rubbed her eyes tiredly and glanced at the clock. Three A.M., great, she had classes at eight tomorrow. No hope in hell she couldsurvive on five hours sleep. Of course, she could always skip class. She was failing anyway, so another day would not matter…

However, she could at least post this chapter. It was the fifteenth chapter, and she was planning to write ten more. She quickly ran it through a spell check, only paying attention to half of the mistakes. She quickly uploaded the chapter and wrote a half-arsed title for it. Her regulars would love it, at any rate.

Alice quickly shut down the computer and stretched, wincing at the sound of her cracking muscles. She navigated her way through her room to her bed, planning on taking a short nap before attempting to get to class. Maybe she could take a power nap or –

Whatever alternative she was planning was never discovered, because when one's computer explodes everything else becomes beside the point. Alice shrieked and threw herself across the room, quite a feat for a large woman who got no exercise whatsoever.

"Mother-lovin'…what just happened?" A livid voice demanded. It came from the burning, smoking mess that had once been her computer.

"A slight miscalculation, it's hard to plot-hole in a snowstorm," a cheerful voice replied.

"Can we get back?" The firstvoice inquired, sounding slightly calmer.

"Yes, just as soon as we get to the girl," the secondvoice answered, and a sudden silence fell over the room. Alice found herself trying to burrow into the carpet as footsteps grew closer, and a hand clapped onto her shoulder.

"'Ello, love," a voice happily exclaimed inAlice's ear, and a pair ofstrong arms pulledher to her feet.

"This is…Sand-Fox9?" The second voice sneered. Alice made out two imposing figures standing in the rubble. One was holding a clipboard and muttering to herself, while the other had a death grip on her shoulders.

"Alice White, you're charged with writing horrible fanfiction and, come to think of it, improbable and frankly stomach-turning slash," the person holding her shoulders announced, and the second figure flicked on the light.

Alice found herself staring at a tall, pale woman wearing a comfortable garb and a very welcoming smile. The other woman fussed over her notes and pulled a scroll off her back. She tossed the scroll to Alice with a mulish grimace.

Alice gingerly took a seat on her ruined bed and unhooked the clasps on the scroll. Her eyes grew to disturbing proportions as she read aloud the contents.

_"Miss Alice White, we have been long aware of your attempts at writing fanfiction, and now we have found you a place in the Official Fanfiction University for Naruto (ONFU; OFUN being too misleading even for the staff's sense of humour). You will attend regular classes and mix with the canons of Naruto. We stress heavily on will._

_Over time, you may pick up a few things and earn your licence to write fanfiction. Should you choose not to enrol in the university, you shall not receive your licence._

_Should you enrol in another university, you shall not lose this licence; merely have it frozen until you leave said university. If you should attempt to write fanfiction without your licence or within the premises of another university, dire consequences will arise._

_Sincerely,_

_Miss O_

Alice glanced at the women and began laughing weakly.

"Casey and Marnie set you up to this, right?" Alice guessed, more concerned about the well-being of her computer then being kidnapped.

"No, we do not know Casey, nor Marnie, though if they're on the list I'm sure we'll meet them at some point," the pale woman sighed.

"Miss, we have fifty-three more students to get through, can we please hurry this up?" the other woman asked irritably, and the first woman, now revealed as Miss O, smiled and nodded.

"Fill that out," Miss O said, producing a pencil from one of the folds of her clothing. "Make it quick."

"What the hell, it can't get worse," Alice muttered, making a half-arsed effort to fill out the form. Ten minutes later, she tossed the form back to the first woman and stood up.

"Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I need to report you to security," Alice said mildly, and hurried towards the door.

"Not again," Miss O groaned, and her hand lashed out and connected with the back of Alice's neck. "Stupid bloody authors, thinking that acting like a bloodthirsty maniac or asmart-arse will get them anywhere."

"It only leads to pain," the other woman sighed sadly, and then Alice finally slipped into unconsciousness.

Miss O stared down at Alice for a moment, and then spoke up.

"I was just wondering if you had any idea how we're going to get her back," she said nonchalantly, and there was a slightly choked sound from her assistant.

"I think we should open a plot-hole beneath her," Miss O decided, and her assistant looked worried.

"She might end up anywhere," her assistant warned, and Miss O shrugged carelessly.

"If she's lucky, she'll end up in the kitchen," she said with a snicker. Her assistant, after a bit of fiddling, opened a plot-hole beneath the poor woman. Alice dropped through just as sirens wailed in the distance.

"Talk about handy, eh?" the assistant remarked as she opened another plothole.

"Having the Powers That Be on your side is a bonus," Miss O agreed, and they both hopped through, on to the next unfortunate writer.

In Nevada, Reno…

"'Ello, love."

* * *

Thank you to those who have bothered to stick around. I will be posting an enrolment form in my profile for those who wish to join the university. I will also be providing an e-mail address, and please do not enrol via review.

Thanks to my beta-reader, Cris.


	2. Mina, Minis and Miss

Sorry this chapter is so late. Naruto does not belong to me. This is a spinoff from Camilla Sandman's OFUM.

* * *

Alice awoke to the odd sensation of a hard sandal repeatedly nudging her ribs. She made a noise similar to a hippo with pneumonia, and carefully pulled her face off the ground. Glancing up, she was surprised to find a young woman frowning at her grouchily while clutching a clipboard. "You're late, though it is to be expected," the person said sharply. "I'm Mina, short for 'no friend of yours'."

"Where am I?" she asked faintly, quickly assuming the role of damsel in distress in the hope that someone would come swooping in to save her.

No such luck.

Mina scowl deepened, if it was possible. "The Official Fanfiction University for Naruto. You're a bad, bad writer and we're muzzling you until you know better. There's a brief assembly in the Hall, then you have to get sorted out."

Alice sat there, staring at her as if she'd thrown down her clipboard and announced it was a convent. It was unfathomable. It was overwhelming. It was –

- Her dreams come true.

She was distracted by another sharp nudge in the ribs, accompanied by a slap on the head. "GetmovingbeforeIsettheMinisonyou," Mina growled, and a small, nine-tailed fox wove itself between her legs. Alice's first instinct was to grab and squeeze. Which incidentally, was an instinct both genders shared, but for different reasons.

"It's so cute! What's it's name?" Alice asked eagerly, reaching out and petting her. The creature seemed to enjoy it, nine tails waving happily.

"Hokaga, and she's really – " Mina didn't get to finish her sentence as Hokaga leapt for Alice's face, snarling viciously. There's not a lot you can do when a small ball of angry fur and teeth has taken you by surprise and is trying to bite off your nose.

Finally, Mina reached out and grabbed the Mini by the scruff of its neck. It continued to struggle with all its might, strong as a herd of oxen. "She's really touchy. Teething, I think," Mina said cheerfully, and kicked her once again. "Bugger off. I have more to sign in."

Alice staggered away, nursing her battered face. Okay, so this wasn't going quite the way she expected. Nevertheless, a few setbacks were to be expected. Setbacks in the form of furry animals…but that could be easily remedied. She still had the hot men, the beautiful landscape, the adoring fans…

"Hi!"

The dense but lovable sidekick.

Alice turned slowly, staring down at a beaming, dark-haired girl. Standing well over six feet, she towered over her, the girl not really have much height to begin with.

"Is this your first time too!" she asked breathlessly, holding out a slender, alabaster hand. Alice shook it slowly, suddenly feeling as clumsy as a whale. "That's great! I'm Sarah! But you can call me Dorku no Renkinjutsushi!"

"Ahhh, right Dorku no Ru…Rinshe…Sarah," Alice finished lamely. _Holy smokes, Batman_.

Sarah waited for her to continue, and then filled the gap, her short attention span running out. "When I filled out the form I had no idea I was going to turn out like this! Almost makes me wish I had gone with demon!" As she chattered away, she was leading Alice towards an enormous building, one that was guarded in that inconspicuous way that let you know just how secure it was.

Caught up in Sarah's chatter, Alice utterly failed to notice the pink-haired teenager and crashed right into her. Alice barely moved, though with Sakura's light form it was a bit more…noticeable.

Alice gasped and lumbered over to help her up, her cheeks burning at her foolishness. Sakura smiled and nodded towards her thankfully, then regarded her suspiciously.

"Are you that little writer who threw me off my team to make room for her character?" she asked suspiciously, and Alice found herself shaking her head vigorously.

"No ma'am," she said, Sakura looking quite ferocious for a young teen. The pink-haired girl smiled winningly, thanked her and carried on, humming idly.

Alice sighed; continuing towards what she guessed was the Hall, Sarah having resumed her chatter, oblivious to anyone but her dutiful listener.

Snagging seats at the back, Alice settled down, her hands creeping up to cover her stomach as she received interested glances. Finally, they began to settle down as more nine-tailed foxes wandered down the isles, snapping and growling fiercely at any wrong move. This was any movement at all.

Someone on the stage cleared his or her throat into the microphone, and a familiar, gentle voice spoke up over the din. "Uhhh…calm down, please," said Hinata softly. Many of them calmed down, staring at Hinata as if she were some mystical apparition. However, some continued their chatter and squeals of delight. Someone gestured to the squawking student, and a three-foot tall fiery demon swooped down from the rafters.

It snatched up one of the more talkative girls by her hair and circled the room lazily, paying no attention to the horrified screams or the various curses and objects thrown its way.

Notes were taken.

It flew out the window, the girl's screams slowly diminishing.

Miss O stepped up to the plate and addressed the now utterly silent assembly. "Dear…Jenni Sordino, we will miss her," she said, not a touch of regret in her voice. "Back to business. I am Miss Kit. Welcome to the Official Naruto Fanfiction University – "

A slow sigh went up as several canons stepped forward. Alice gazed from Naruto to Neji, to Sakura, to Temari, Ino, Shikamaru…

Gaara.

She felt a swell of excitement rise in her chest. They'd have classes together! They'd eat together! Perhaps she'd be able to con him into help her with some homework, and he'd visit her –

"However, apart from classes and the occasional seminar, you will be kept completely separate. They will not patrol the corridors, they will not be on any sort of duty around you. Should you turn to stalking, we will be forced to collar you." There was not a trace of amusement in her voice.

"Your classes will begin in a week. The official ones, anyway." She took a cue card from her jacket and wrinkled her nose, trying to form an unfamiliar sentence. "We are verrrry happy you are here. We hope to…err, lead you long the path of enlightenment, because you are a good bunch of kids." There was a derisive snort from the shadows, which earned a few sniggers. Miss Kit tucked the cue card away and cleared her throat.

"You will learn. Report to the Office for your key, room number and timetable. Should you wish to join any extracurricular activities…be afraid. Be very afraid."

She paused. "Have I covered everything?"

"It'll do," Hanabi said, stepping from the shadows. "Maybe we begin the festivities?"

"Oh, please go ahead," Miss Kit said sweetly, stepping aside. She groaned and held up a hand. "Wait…question time."

She whirled around and glared at the crowd, daring anyone to put their hand up and risk death. However, there was always one. A young man stood up hesitantly, tugging on his greasy hair. "Why does the enrolment form say Miss O and not Miss Kit?"

"Ohhh, that question's a shocker…because Miss O was a previous staff member of ONFU. We never got around the changing it," she replied, tapping her foot. "Anything else?"

To Alice's horror, Sarah's hand shot into the air. "Will we have the chance to learn jutsus!" she asked breathlessly, trembling with excitement. Miss Kit looked ready to murder.

"What sort of…yes, yes we will, my dear. I'm glad you asked," Miss Kit said stonily, her knuckles white. One could almost see her plotting revenge. Sarah, however, remained oblivious to this and started to squeak softly.

Miss Kit waved her hand, fumbling in her pocket. "No smoking, no fires, no out of the dorms after curfew, no food-fights, no pets and no stalking," she said grumpily. "Dismissed."

Silence reigned for a minute.

Then Sarah, the brave knight of noise, came out of her stupor for a moment to speak up. "That's it!"

"Yes. I never said I was a particularly good public speaker," Miss Kit replied matter-of-factly, giving no indication of whom she was referring to. "Hanabi, please go ahead."

Hanabi cracked her knuckles and stared malevolently out at the students. "Hello, I am Hyuuga Hanabi. You all know me. I am willing to bet some of you know think you know me quite well. This is my welcoming gift and my warning to you."

Hanabi turned to the chairs grouped in shadows. "Inuzuka, release the hounds."

The world went red and snarling.

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Next chapter will be - what am I saying? It'll be as long as I deem necessary. Love me and despair, mwahahaha.


	3. The sad fate of the Hyuchiha tart

This is a spin-off Camilla Sandman's ONFU. I do not own Naruto, nor do I own the PPC. Oh, and **Ophidiophobia is a fear of snakes. **Enjoy.

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"Alice?!" a voice whispered by her ear, dragging Alice back from the blissfully murky depths of unconsciousness. She cracked open an eye, one hand coming up to rest on her throat. She stared blearily at Sarah, and mused that this was the second time in a row she'd been awoken from her nice, comatose state.

Sarah twisted a lock of hair around her finger, a look of carefully crafted despair on her face. "The staff are holding a lecture two days early!! They said students have been writing and posting fanfiction in the early hours of the morning!! Miss said she had been rather suspicious about the drop in the sugar stores!!"

Alice stared at her, her sleep-deprived mind trying to comprehend this. She sat up, rubbing her temples and trying to focus on the bedspread. Shortly after being introduced to the delightfully sweet mini-Kyuubis, she had been hustled through the necessary preparations. She'd found out she wasn't, in fact, sharing a room with Sarah (one must thank the Powers That Be for even minor miracles), but with Ziri, a human with wolf-like features.

Now, those features were quite disturbing in the gray dawn, even as the girl struggled into her tightest clothing. Sarah continued to tug Alice out of bed, impatiently throwing clothes at her. Even at this hour, Alice noted how carefully Sarah had done her hair, the thick locks pulled back in a glossy ponytail.

She pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt, aware she'd slept peacefully in her underwear. Running a comb through her hair, she shoved her feet into some tatty sneakers and followed the girls out the door, trying to wake up.

They lead her through the frankly odd corridors, occasionally running into a wall that had been disguised as a corner, or ducking to avoid long forgotten booby traps.

The hallways – the entire building looked as though two architects had gotten together, one Japanese and one American, had a massive row about the style of the building and come to a grudging compromise. As a result, the building looked rather like a messy patchwork. Inside plaster randomly gave way to brickwork, or laminated rice paper with gruesomely detailed scenes on them depicting past students in various 'classes'. One showed a class of students doing push-ups while the mini-Kyuubis snapped at their ankles.

The mini-Kyuubis.

Oh yes, adorable in an evil way, with their thick reddish fur and mischievous glint in their eyes. But, as most of the students knew well, this was just a cover-up. If one took time to think, the Minis were of pure malevolent intent and fury that would barely be contained in their mountain-sized counterpart. All that destructible force contained in a body not much bigger than a dog. And there were _hundreds_ of them.

As they entered the main hall, the style stabilized here. It was mainly polished wood and thick rugs, tapestries covering the wall. The university was a collision of cultures. A mandala of styles. It was actually quite impressive.

But not tasteful.

They began to cross the stretching lawns, whose whole purpose was, it appeared, to stretch. About halfway someone had set up a boundary that showed the difference between Here and There. Mostly so people didn't get lost.

A banner, bearing the legend 'Graduation Class of '03' - the staff wasn't picky about what banner went up where. For the actual graduating class of '03 they put up a banner that celebrated one of Naruto's personal holidays, Pork Ramen Week - they stretched across a makeshift stage, where several canons now stood. Students milled around close by, chatting, comparing notes and gazing wistfully at the canons.

After a few minutes, someone pushed their way to the edge of the stage, though not too close, since the mini-Kyuubis were suddenly looking all too alert. The girl crossed her arms, red cat ears twitching in irritation.

"Check 'em out…I'm surprised they weren't lopped off. Kai must've whined until she got her way," Mina murmured in Alice's ear. It was well known by now that most of the canons had a terrible grudge against self-inserted nekos, foxes and any assortment of demons. But that never stopped them from letting the hybrids in. Mina pushed passed her and, amazingly, through the array of mini-Kyuubis and positioned herself on the far end of the stage, where Neji stood. Judging by the occasional awestruck looks Mina sent him out of the corner of her eye, her views weren't entirely professional.

"Are we gonna start or what?" Kai demanded, her small group of loyal-up-to-a-point followers standing behind her. It wasn't hard to picture her arguing for the right to keep her cat ears.

Ziri whined softly, looking very eager. There had been rumours that she had been given kitchen duties for chasing the milkman's cart. And cat people just set her teeth on edge.

Miss Kit unfurled from the shadows, glaring coldly at Kai. "Miss Lin, we will start when we are satisfied with the amount of students who have gathered. After a few incidents on campus due to some students not abiding by the rules," these last few words were spoken with undertones of death, "we feel we need to make an example of something so the message really hits home."

The morning turned cool and windy, frost clinging to the grass with no intention of letting go. The students who had chosen skimpy singlets and little skirts were turning an interesting shade of blue. Alice's belly began to growl with hunger and Ziri was scratching furiously at her ears.

Finally, at an almost imperceptible nod from Kurenai, Miss Kit stepped out and waited for silence. "Welcome, students, to your very first unofficial lesson. Judging by the way we've started off, there will be many more of these." There was the sound of a brief scuffle behind the stage, a scream of outrage followed by a high yet masculine groan of pain and injured pride. A solid and rather meaty thunk finished the phantom brawl.

"Yes. Lesson. Some students, who shall remain nameless but are obviously not present, decided to take it into their heads to write fanfiction _while on campus. _As a result, Uchiha Sasuke is gibbering in the mental ward – " at this, a deep sigh of satisfaction rose from most of the fangirls " - and Orochimaru is suffering from Ophidiophobia." There was a moment of mystified silence from the students, while some of the canons made an effort to conceal their sniggers of glee. Some didn't bother to hide them at all.

"Now, these maverick students have been apprehended, but to ensure no more 'little accidents' happen, I have asked the staff members and a few guests to come in and explain exactly what happens when you write fanfiction on this campus." Miss Kit paused and eyeballed the students. Her hands, which had been firmly clasped behind her back, suddenly shot out in front of her, palms flat and facing up. On her left hand was a small box of pills and on her right was a bottle of eyedrops. "Bring out...Samantha."

A struggling girl was brought to the fore and caused a ripple of shock to go through the crowd. The girl was beautiful, despite her disheveled state. Her clothing was skimpy and hugged a form too slim and curvy to be human. Her eyes were covered with a cloth, though this somehow made her all the more attractive.

After the initial shock and awe, the crowd's benevolence went hurtling downhill to anger and envy.

"Pretty, isn't she? We had to cover her eyes because her bloodline limit is exceptionally painful to look at. Hyuchiha is the bloodline. Guess what that's made up of," Miss Kit said, sarcasm dripping from every word. She raised the two packages again. "This is Hyuchiha Cough Medicine: Cures Everything But The Cough, and these are Hyuchiha Eyedrops: Warning, may cause pain, drowsiness and death." She paused for a moment to hand the medicine to Gai.

"This is what happens when absolutely implausible things turn up in the Narutoverse. I have yet to see a McDonald's here," she sighed, looking weary, "But then, it's only a matter of time. Master Hyuuga, please take the floor."

Hyuuga Hiashi appeared in a rustle of fabric. It wasn't that he had appeared, since one usually has to disappear for that to take place. He'd simply come into the foreground until the eye realized he had always been there, just part of the scenery.

"Prominent members of the Hyuuga and Uchiha clans have been asked to partake in this seminar due to the insult made to their clans," Miss Kit said, taking a seat on the stage. Hiashi glared venomously at the students, and as one they stepped back.

"Holy Cow. His eyes are like gimlets," Alice whispered in Sarah's ear. The girl gave her a polite yet blank smile. Ziri, however, had easily overheard.

"You mean that dwarf in the cafeteria?" Ziri asked, scratching furiously at her ears. "How embarrassing. I think I've got fleas."

Alice rolled her eyes skyward. "I meant they go right through you. And what's a dwarf doing in the cafeteria?"

"Cooking, obviously!!" Sarah chirped, eyes fixed on Hiashi as he began his lecture on the consequences of disregarding biology and neglecting to at least acknowledge personalities. "I wonder what he meant by a 'practical'!?"

"Knowing Hyuugas, nothing good," Alice remarked. "I meant, dwarves aren't native to the Narutoverse."

"No, but I'm sure people suffer dwarfism," Ziri answered. "But he is a genuine, bearded, ax-wielding dwarf. The Librarian said they found him wandering around and never got around to getting rid of him. Then he turned out to be a good cook, as long as you don't ask what's in the pie of the day. He turned up through a plothole." She smiled doggishly at Alice's look of amazement. "I may only be part wolf, but I still have some puppy charm."

"Now that you are quite finished with your discussion, girls, turn your attention this way," Hiashi said, staring at the three. They gulped, nodding quickly.

"I have only briefly covered some of the more gruesome aspects of twisting biology, as I'm sure the prospect of exploding doesn't appeal to any of you. This will go into further detail in your next Clan lecture. No, Miss – I will not tell you who your lecturer is." Sarah lowered her hand, looking disappointed.

Sam was dragged to the front, and with a hint of ceremony, Hiashi produced a kunai. The tension in the air thickened as it gradually began to dawn on the students what he was going to do. Sam had gone still when recognition of the voice had penetrated the haze of fury, and, with some difficulty, managed to spit aside the gag.

"Uncle! What is the – mmmph!" Mina had stepped forward, stuffing a pale pink and beige bun in her mouth.

"Please, continue, Hiashi-sam – Lord Hiashi," Mina murmured, stepping back.

Hiashi gently cut Sam's shoulder, backing away almost instantly. Instead of the red stuff humans tend to leak, the blood sparkled and hissed softly as it fell, almost like…glitter? Hiashi pulled a glass tube from the folds of his kimono and caught a sample of the glitter – blood – stuff, careful not to let a drop touch him. He corked it and handed it to Miss Kit, who held it up to the light.

"Excellent sample," she said smugly, glancing towards the crowd and beckoning briefly. As one, the crowd stepped forward hopefully, only to back away when the minis growled unanimously. Alice yelped as two hooded and cloaked figures pushed through to the front, briefly feeling something soft and furry brush against her leg.

Her eyes focussed on the tail swishing gently behind the second figure.

The minis drew back from the first, almost certainly feminine figure, while they gave the second a look of foxy bemusement. The feminine figure stepped up onto the platform and glanced towards the assembled students as if she badly wanted to rip their throats out. The second was gazing with a wistful air towards the minis.

Miss Kit cleared her throat, offering the first figure the vial. There seemed to be a moment of understanding and sympathy between the two, before they both glanced towards the second figure, who was now cooing.

"These two highly conspicuous…people are from the Naruto branch of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. They will be visiting from time to time when they get bored of brutally murdering Sues. Today they are here as guests, and to dispose of the spare Sue out the back," Miss Kit announced, glancing towards the female cowled figure and Sam. "We have a…special fate in store for this little one. She will become part of the university and you will see her on a daily basis."

Two ninjas bearing the Hidden Leaf insignia on their forehead protectors stepped forward and grasped Sam by the armpits, dragging her across the lawn to the mysterious and oddly plain staff quarters.

"Now bugger off the lot of you," Miss Kit snarled, signaling the mini-Kyuubis. They went from sitting still to an all-out sprint in less than a second, scattering the screaming students like frantic sheep. Alice, who had gained an instinct for when the minis were about to attack, had started to run before Miss Kit had finished her sentence.

* * *

The next day, a new statue was place on a pedestal in the main hall. It depicted a beautiful, slim girl in absolute agony. It was wrought entirely from gold, and many students who hadn't shown up for the seminar commented in the amazing detail.

Those who had tried not to think about it.

* * *

Aha! Another chapter! And entered just before NaNoWriMo! Enrolment form in my profile. 


	4. The Faerie, the Fake and the Foxman

Don't own Naruto. This is a spin-off from Camilla Sandman's OFUM.

* * *

Alice pried her face from the pillow, reflecting that she'd woken up in a similar state the day before. Before. Seminar. Evil. _Foxes. Ohhhhh. Ouch._

Alice jumped as a ripping sound tore through the silence of the room, and realized this was the reason she had woken up. Ziri had returned to their dorm at one in the morning, smelling strongly of disinfectant and had immediately crawled whimpering into bed. Her rumbling snores soon followed, almost as overpower as the smell of soap. The smell and sound had filled the room until Alice staggered over to a window and flung it open.

Unfortunately, a patrol of genins happened to be passing at that moment. They didn't know many tricks, but they threw themselves heart and soul into making her wish she had never been born.

When Alice regained consciousness half a hour later, and the use of her limbs some time after that, she decided even the fox-infested hallways were better than her dormitory. The canonicals were quite happy to let the students to roam the corridors, since only the really daft or desperate would venture out when there was only the odd patrol around to rescue/hinder you.

However, at the time she had been too lethargic to think of the consequences.

Alice now ambled down the hall, lost in thought about her classes and - her throat tightened - Gaara. She automatically sidestepped a boobytrap under the rug laid by the minis. This caused her to step into the boobytrap laid by Kankuro. It wasn't poisonous, since the staff preferred the students to live for another day of torture, but it did cause her to break out in purple boils that sang the Australian national anthem when touched.

Alice was a lot more careful after that.

She soon found herself in the Great Hall, trying to stay quiet. Which isn't easy when you've got a faceful of musical boils. However, her efforts were wasted when someone tapped her politely on the boot and she let out a screech fit to wake the dead.

"Ow! Unnecessary!" A high, indignant voice by her foot squeaked. Heart pounding, Alice glanced down and saw a slender, six-inch tall figure standing by her foot, hands on her hips and one tiny foot tapping impatiently.

"There's no need to squeal like that," she said peevishly, frowning up at an absolutely astonished Alice. "I take the chance of being trampled by a lumbering harpy just to be screamed at? Cow!" There was a moment of silence. "And your hair is dreadful," she added stiffly.

Alice knelt down next to the little...thing, squinting at the miniscule, scowling features. She gave it an experimental poke, knocking the little thing back with a squeal of pain. She got to her feet rather shakily, looking quite dizzy.

"Sorry. Ummm...what are you?" Alice asked, offering a hand - finger to the tiny person...Type...Thing.

"Faerie, you idjit. No, actually I am a very small troll," she snapped, clambering gratefully onto her finger. "Put me on your shoulder. I've been walking for hours from that seminar."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but faeries can usually fly," Alice remarked wryly, picking the faerie up carefully and settling her on one broad shoulder. The faerie clung gratefully to her earlobe, jolted with every step.

"Yes, but the administration was feeling particularly humorous when my form came in. My wings aren't strong enough for me to fly. Thin as paper and couldn't hold up a spider's web. Oh, I appealed, but they said that if I was going to enrol as a faerie I should accept the consequences. Bastards," the faerie said bitterly, blowing her nose on a handkerchief the size of a bean. "So I've got to walk everywhere and hitch a ride when I can. And the minis think I'm a sort of bipedal mouse."

Alice delicately patted the faerie's shoulder, least the doll-like figure snap under the pressure of her finger.

"Oh. Kat-chan," the faerie said nasally, holding out a hand to Alice that was no larger than a rabbit's paw. Alice shook it, the shock and bewilderment of the situation wearing off. "Could you take me to my dorm? Third floor, room 67."

"So why don't you just ask for, I dunno, a miniature bicycle?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, that's smart. The minis love a moving target, and I'd be the equivalent of a meal on wheels," Kat-chan answered sourly, now examining her tiny nails. "Can you move any faster?"

"You're not climbing stairs, are you?" Alice snapped back, sweat beading on her forehead. Even an athlete would have trouble with the stairs. They were incredibly steep and suspiciously large, given that the floors appeared to be normal...enough.

After several more flights, Alice stopped outside of a room full of muffled snoring, trying to figure out the best way to break in. However, Kat-chan produced a key almost out of thin air, handing it to Alice. "Could you pur-lease open it? I find them a bit high up..."

Alice unlocked the door and pushed it open, startled by how much louder the snoring got from then on. She carried Kat-chan to her side of the room, it being completely bare apart from a dollhouse. "I don't like to sleep in one, but the room is so huge and I feel, well, dwarfed," Kat-chan said, clambering inside. "Thanks...Ummmm..."

"Alice," Alice supplied, glancing over at the other inhabitant lost in their blankets. "Errrr...just Alice."

"Thanks then, Alice," Kat-chan said sleepily, settling into her bed. "Guess I'll see you in class..."

Alice took this as her cue to see herself out, though she made sure to slip Kat-chan's key under the door before she continued downstairs. This trip went a lot faster when one of the steps sank inwards, causing her to lose her balance and tumble the rest of the way down.

'Even the bloody stairs are against me!' she thought angrily. By nature she wasn't a person to get annoyed easily, but the place...tired you out. Pushed you all the time as if hoping you'll push back. And now her thoughts were like a hot ball inside her head, giving her courage and a death wish.

So she decided to wake up Miss Kit to complain. Alice scrambled to her feet, brushing her hair from her eyes and setting off in the direction she thought was the stuff quarters. In fact it was the kitchen, and after stumbling into the larder and being attacked by some rogue cheeses, she vowed to find a map of the university even if it killed her.

Which was looking horrifically likely.

Alice wandered through door after door, now thoroughly lost. She walked through various corridors and rooms, some filled with shapes she wouldn't want to see in a good light. At one point she heard shuffling and murmuring behind a heavily bolted door, and had put several rooms between her and it at surprising speed.

Now she was wandering through well lit, well kept hallways. The decor seemed to sort itself out here, and Alice was quite attracted to the laminated paper and the scenes depicted on it. They lacked the grotesque and graphic nature of the ones in the main corridors, and now trickled more to landscapes and more calming scenes.

Then the floor shook alarmingly, and someone yelped. Alice followed the sound (and the tremors) until she came to a heavy oak door. She pushed it open, peering around in case there was something deadly on the other side.

Outside, it was shockingly silent and still. The grey light filtered into a bare courtyard, the cold from the stones seeping in through her shoes. Alice stepped into the courtyard, feeling not unlike a rabbit being watched very closely.

Fangirl though she was, Alice knew that every author had a dramatic flair. Even life had it, and Alice would soon learn that while drama made life interesting, it didn't make it nice.

Alice took a few wary steps forward, half-expecting someone to rise up out of the floor, or fling off an invisibility cloak (the recent outbreak of crossovers had the staff biting through doors). Instead, she was alerted to the presence of another by the sudden, velvety silence behind her.

Alice world around, her hand plunging into her pocket for her nailfile (she could picture the headlines. Student Whittles Attacker To Death. Fearsome.) even as she stepped back. Alice stared into pearly white eyes, the file half raised. Hinata glanced at her hand, a small smile on her face.

"Errrr...sorry," Alice mumbled, lowering her hand. "I just...good morning, professor."

"Professor. That's a lark!" Hinata drawled, holding up the fist that clenched the file. "What were you going to do, whittle me to death? Fearsome."

Alice opened her mouth to retort, no snappy reply coming to her aid. Hinata laughed, stepping into the lamplight. Alice noticed she was taller than the Hinata she had been accustomed to; she had lost the roundness of jaw and had suddenly acquired high cheekbones. She wore a heavy cloak, and it slipped aside to reveal an elaborate black dress that no self-respecting ninja would be caught dead in.

Hinata smiled , giving Alice's hand a squeeze. The nailfile clattered out of her hand, and Alice lost sight of it amongst the stones. Hinata drew a long katana, still dripping with silver blood. Alice's throat constricted, her feet wanting to run in opposite directions, and her bladder wanting to empty itself most urgently.

"Unfortunately, you are hindering my escape. I have a vengeful Hanabi on my tail. No, I did not break something of hers," Hinata said, still smiling. "Nothing,...but her heart." Hinata's eyes went wild, and she pushed Alice onto her rear. "They never understood me! Never nurtured me, or cared for me! My father...my sister...my mother...all abandoned me!! Do you know how it feels to be rejected by every member of your clan? Do you?!! Now they know who is stronger!!! They always laughed!!! But look who is laughing now!!!! You will never understand me!!!! You never tried!!!! And for that you will die!!!!!"

Hinata raised the sword like a club, if not going to slice Alice in half than definitely bludgeon her to death...and Alice kicked her in the shin. It was entirely automatic; she didn't feel in control of her body, apart from the vague feeling in her stomach that Hinata's story was spookily familiar. But the very real yelp of pain from Hinata jolted her brain into action, and she shoved the slender girl aside as if she weighed as much as a log of firewood.

Hinata's hand touched her ankle, and Alice went down heavily, her foot feeling as though it had been lopped off. Hinata's grip tightened, and she stared up her Alice, as if trying to read her innermost thoughts. Her nostrils flared, and she raised the katana again -

"I think that's enough," a voice broke in. A shadow shifted, and Kurenai knelt next to them, removing the katana from Hinata's grasp and snapping it in two. Now that she looked closer, Alice noticed that the 'katana' was made of cardboard. Kurenai shook her head sadly, and said the last thing Alice every expected from the red-eyed woman.

"Who let you out of your cage?" Kurenai demanded, sliding her hand into her pocket. Hinata shrieked and leapt up, throwing herself at Kurenai with murder in her eyes. Alice blinked...and Hinata was crumpled in a heap at the end of the courtyard.

Sunlight broke into the courtyard, immediately warming Alice's shoulders. She stared at Kurenai, blinking and squinting in the sudden light. "Why - ahhhh, pardoning your presence, professor, but why was mi - lady Hinata acting like that?" Alice stuttered, bowing nervously.

"That was not Hinata," Kurenai said after a moment's silence. She walked over to the body and picked it up with no apparent effort, slinging it unceremoniously over her shoulder. "That was quite quick thinking back there. Or - " she suddenly smiled kindly at Alice, who felt slightly relieved " - a speedy act of terror." Kurenai nodded to Alice, walking towards another door. "I suggest you get back. Breakfast will be served soon, and the Minis will be looking for their next victim." Kurenai ducked through the door, leaving Alice in the slightly chilly courtyard.

Alice stared at the crumpled katana, the junk that had seemed so sharp in the grey light now revealed to be a clumsily made toy, splattered with silver and red paint.

Alice shrugged and kicked it to the end of the courtyard, hustling out of there before the Minis tracked her down.

* * *

Alice slid into her seat just as Sarah bustled up, all smiles. "Good morning, dear!!"

The day instantly got gloomier.

"Good morning, Sarah," she said monotonously, prodding her rice to see if it would bite back. The dwarf in the kitchen had gotten mildly confused as to what he was supposed to be serving, so it wasn't entirely surprising to see pickled bacon and fried egg soup on the table. People generally went for what they recognized.

Alice, pulled out of weighing the merits of drowning herself in her coffee, realized Sarah was chattering on quite unconcernedly.

" - and I woke up and there was this little pixie, right in front of my nose," Sarah said, dumping Kat-chan unceremoniously on the table and beaming at Alice. Kat-chan uttered something unprintable under her breath and stood up, dusting herself off. After ensuring her wings were still attached to her back, Kat-chan gave Alice's fingers a good kick.

Alice silently handed her five grains of rice and poured a drop of sauce onto the side of her plate. Kat-chan perched herself on a slice of toast and began to eat, now ignoring Sarah and Alice.

"Did you check your schedule, dear? Nothing on today, really, so I thought we may as well introduce ourselves to - " Alice tuned Sarah out again, quite content to fend off attacks from her breakfast.

"Is that some sort of bipedal mouse?" someone asked behind her. Alice half-turned, opening her mouth to kindly ask the man to nick off...and encountered a tall, humanoid fox. Alice screamed shrilly and fell off her chair, much to the amusement of Kat-chan and horror of Sarah. The fox hurried forward to help her back into her chair, and Alice tried not to pass out at the touch of his - there was no mistaking his gender from her position - furry hands. He got her a glass of freshly squeezed orange and pea juice, all the while casting curious looks at Kat-chan.

"Where did you get it?" the fox asked, poking Kat-chan in the stomach and sending her hurtling into Alice's fried cucumber. Kat-chan threw herself onto the fox's hand, sinking her teeth into his thumb. Judging by the fox's yell, they'd gone in as deep as her jaw would allow.

Alice quickly separated them, imprisoning Kat-chan in the butter dish as Sarah fussed over the fox.

"No, she's not a mouse. Or a toy," Alice said, surreptitiously picking fur out of her juice. "She is feral - " a globble of butter hit her cheek "- but we love her anyway."

"Better," Kat-chan muttered, piling butter onto a spoon.

The fox smiled and carefully removed himself from Kat's line of fire. "Sorry about that. I don't usually encounter students that small, or...glittery," he said, shaking Alice's hand. "Kit, by the way." He leaned between Alice and Sarah and snagged a slice of toast at the same time Kat released her spoon of mass destruction. There was a blur of brown, a suggestion of toastesture and butterisation taking place...

And Kit was calmly spreading marmalade on his now buttered toast. Sarah stared at him in amazement, her eyes wide and her mouth in a perfect 'o'.

"That was amazing," she breathed, leaning over and engaging Kit in conversation as Alice tussled with Kat over ownership of the spoon.

"If you don't give it here this instant I'm dropping you in the milk jug," Alice hissed finally. Kat-chan released her grip on the spoon and scowled so vehemently that Alice relented.

"Alright. Just don't go flicking any staff," Alice mumbled. Kat-chan extracted herself from the butter dish and began to wipe herself off with the tablecloth, occasionally muttering under her breath.

"Must be off," Kit said briskly, leaping up and collecting his folders. He grabbed a tuna and macadamia nut muffin from the table and sauntered off, his bushy tail flicking.

Kat-chan's spoon rapped Alice sharply. "Let's get out of here. The hormones are so thick I can hardly breath," the faerie grumped, throwing herself at Alice. She grabbed a lock of her hair and scrambled up onto Alice's shoulder, clicking her tongue.

With breakfast finished and little else to do than watch Sarah not eat, Alice wandered out.

* * *

Haha! 


	5. Lecturer roulette

I do not own Naruto or any other fandoms that may be referenced within. OFU belongs to Camilla Sandman.

* * *

"Ireallydidn'tmeantoitjuststartedcrawlingoutoftheoven - ARRRRRRRGH!"

Alice flinched as another shrieking student barreled past her, pursued by an enraged staff member. It was the day classes officially started, and she had heard that there had been absolutely no fatalities so far.

The staff all seemed a little downcast.

"Cooking," Kat-chan said suddenly, balanced perfectly on Alice's shoulder. When she received an enquiring nostril in reply, Kat-chan sighed and continued. "A failed bento box for their beloved character. Harder to put together than they think." She sniffed haughtily, clambering up onto the top of Alice's head for a better view. "It's all very stupid of them, thinking it'll win over the apple of their eye. I think it's all a waste of time."

"You would, seeing as you couldn't even lift the lid on the boxes," remarked Ansela Jonla gloomily, falling into step with Alice. She absently-mindedly began to fuss with the singed edges of her hair, her books threatening to tumble out of her splitting bag.

"I checked our schedules," Kat-chan began, choosing to ignore Ansela's comment and waving her tiny arms, "and we've both got Writing: General 101. Apparently we cover everything, but I spoke to a second year and she said they just use it as an excuse to make you run laps around –" Kat-chan's voice dwindled into the distance as Alice stared glassily ahead of them, automatically dodging students, staff members and the occasional lethal weapon. It was, surprisingly, almost no different to the college she attended back home. Students who were there at knife-point (literally, in this case), students who were genuinely interested in learning, friendly staff members and staff members who only wished death and ruin...

" – should be thankful that the snakes are growing in a place that hardly anyone would ever see, provided she's appropriately dressed." Alice jolted back to the world with Kat-chan still wittering on. "Mind you, it must be dreadful, watching the poor things struggle when you try to put on your deodorant every morning."

"Look, room eight oh one," Ansela cut in desperately, stopping by a beautifully engraved door, whose only flaw was the scraps of laminated paper stuck haphazardly about it's surface. Alice pushed open the door cautiously, and she caught a glimpse of a brick room with row after row of tiny desks before something small but painful landed on her head, and white powder obscured her vision.

"Ye gods, you have the worst aim!" someone complained as Alice coughed and tried to rub whatever it was from her eyes, Kat-chan screaming in outrage by her ear "Twelve times we've done this, and twelve times it's been the wrong person. And we have to keep re-chalking the eraser!"

"Well excuse me, Kai Lin, but I can't be sure! It's a random attack. I don't even know who we have as a lecturer; they all keep pulling out and blackmailing one another into going back in! With any luck it'll be Master Kakashi and his one day terminal lateness," someone shot back. "Gah, killer mouse!"

"_Fairy_!"

"I just think you're bloody crazy to try it, Rena," muttered the girl now revealed to be Kai Lin, helping Alice clean herself off. "Sorry about that, she's on a mission to follow in Master Naruto's footsteps, and that includes the chalkboard eraser gag. I hope we get Master Gaara as our lecturer, just so he can dangle her upside down for a while. Might actually get some blood to her brain. Can you call off your toy; she's trying to claw out Rena's eyes."

Alice wiped her watering eyes and finally made out the smiling figure of Kai Lin. She'd seen Kai Lin around campus, a thin redhead with a nervous habit of flattening down her cat ears in the presence of glowering staff members. Rena was new to her, though she bore a suspicious resemblance to a certain Naruto Uzumaki. She had apparently won the battle by the sheer luck of being twenty times bigger than Kat-chan, and held the little fairy by her foot.

"Don't worry, it's not a recreational drug," Kai Lin assured Alice as she tasted the white powder. "It is but a cog in the works of an educational means of torture."

"This is demeaning, put me down!" Kat-chan shouted, swinging madly from Rena's gripe. Rena grinned wickedly and picked up the eraser, pulling a piece of string from her pocket. She turned her back on Alice and Kai Lin, the latter of whom stepped in front of the former with a devilish smile. Ansela dodged around Kai Lin and gave Alice an apologetic smile before hurrying over to her circle of friends.

"It'll be _fiiiine_, Rena just likes to play. Come and dump your stuff with ours. Do you know a Sarah Dorku?" Kai Lin asked, leading Alice irresistibly towards a group of certain desks.

A familiar laugh cut through the air, liberally peppered with exclamation marks. "Alice, dear, I'd almost given you up for lost!!" Sarah chirped, smiling widely. "It starts at half-past eight, apparently, which is an inhuman time for a lecture!!"

"Does she always talk like that, or is it a speech impediment?" Kai Lin whispered as Sarah launched into the Morning Gossip.

"I think it's the way she talks. Perhaps a joke by the Enrolment Office," Alice answered, half-listening to what Kimimaru had done to Jenny, the poor thing won't be able to walk for ages, not with that bone in such a place, though the way she walks is apparently hilarious...

So! It's all good!" Rena announced as she ambled over, hands in her pockets. "When the teacher comes in, Kat-chan will jump, entirely by her own free will, quite voluntarily, of her own accord," she indicated to where the fairy was wedged between the door and it's frame, "and untie the string as she falls. The bechalked eraser - which, as you will observe, is attached to her back - will then land on whoever is at the door, and Kat-chan can get enough wind under her wings to land a few meters away with only mild to moderate bruising.

"How'd you get her to stay up there?" Kai Lin asked, her expression of amusement suffused with dread. Up until now it had been a crude prank; now Rena had put thought into it.

"I threatened to tear off her wings and turn them into earrings, and force her to do the prank anyway. I reminded her it would result in still more painful bruising, the victim will probably stamp her flat and grind her into little pieces, and finally I threatened to dip her in two week old coffee. I think we're really connecting." Rena smiled proudly, bowing as Sarah gave her a round of applause.

"You're so doomed," Kai Lin said, clapping Rena on the shoulder. "We'll try and find all your bits and bury them in the one grave."

"Maybe you should just stick to the original chalk trick," Alice said, foreboding crashing over her in one huge, nerve-wracking wave. "I mean, one of the other Naruto lovers tried to graffiti the main hall, and the staff laughed until they found out it was oil-based paint. She had to clean off the paint with a comb held in her teeth."

"I wondered why her arms were broken," Kai Lin mused, checking the scarred clock on the wall. "Almost time."

"Almost time!!" Sarah squealed, clapping her hands and causing several people to glance over curiously.

"Almost time," Rena said in anticipation, her eyes wide and eager. Alice eased herself into a chair, automatically curling around her books and trying to make herself as small as possible.

Within the next thirty seconds, the rest of the excited, wittering class had claimed seats and settled down, the roaring conversation dying down to the occasional whisper breaking the silence. All eyes watched the ticking clock, as the minute hand torturously made it's journey.

Ten minutes...five minutes...two minutes...one minute...thirty seconds...

The minute hand snapped onto the six.

The door opened, dislodging the eraser and the unfortunate Kat-chan, who screamed and covered her eyes.

Hiashi Hyuuga caught her and the eraser quite neatly, smiling thinly at the class. "I must say, I am quite pleased to see the semester off to such a predictable start. I do believe Mistress Tsunade now owes me quite a large quantity of money."

He untied Kat-chan and placed her on the floor, giving her a slight prod to move her along. Kat-chan squeaked and skittered over to Alice, scaling her jeans like an obscure lizard. Hiashi took his seat at the head of the class and again gave a small smile. "I believe our second lecturer will be along short -" He was cut off as the door slammed opened, and Anko strode in, a squirming sack over her shoulder.

She slung the sack into a corner, at which is cursed most colourfully. Anko turned and grinned at the petrified class, though those slower on the uptake ("Isn't she strange!!") relaxed slightly.

Silence ruled for five minutes as Anko eyeballed the class. Just as Alice became convinced her chair was edging away from her gaze, Anko spoke.

"Raise your hand if you don't like him," she said, shoving a thumb towards Hiashi.  
Embarrassment rose like a mist inside every student, Hiashi's beatific smile only increasing it. A few students half-raised their hands, only to lower them seconds later.

"I thought as much," Anko said disdainfully. "I want to make this clear; I drew the short straw. I do not want to be here. Within the next five minutes, _you_ will not want to be here. But you - as one and a whole - are here because you have one thing in common."

She paused.

"It's because you all fail at life." Anko silenced the sudden murmurs with a glare. "Yes. You're here because you were so, so - "

"Atrocious," Hiashi murmured.

" - yes, atrocious, thank you - that we brought you here. A university existing for the sole purpose of educating fan writers. _Whether they like it or not_." This sentence was punctuated by Anko's hand slapping on Wolfie's desk. "You, Chewbacca, what before what except after which?"

"I-I-I p-plead the Fifth?" Wolfie quavered, raising her hands. Anko inhaled deeply for maximum volume, obviously assembling some choice cuss words for a royal thundering. However, Hiashi cleared his throat, and the storm remained unleashed but still a threat.

"Alas, we still have one hour and forty five minutes of this lecture remaining, and you must spend at least an hour and a half fully conscious," Hiashi explained. "Now…You are all here for a purpose. I myself bear you no ill will, though I cannot say the same for the rest of my colleagues." He suddenly glared, and the class instinctive ducked. "Though I would be justified in my hatred, and I could spend every lesson brutally massacring you all, safe in the knowledge you would just come back after a short time. However, I feel that lacks subtly."

The windows snapped out as the class collectively sighed with relief. "We will be guiding you through the basics of writing. What does not fit into your other courses, but you must know," Hiashi continued. "If, during your stay, you happen to stumble across anything you feel may benefit us, please feel free to come up and discuss it. This bars fan fiction or fan pairings of any sort, and if you attempt it we will be forced, with great regret, to nail you to a wall and leave you up there for the genin's kunai practice."

Cue Collective Meep.

"You'll be very pleased to know that for at least two weeks during the semester, you will not be spending any time within this classroom," Anko interjected with a terrible happiness. Despite their short time there, a whole lot of extra senses had been bolted into the students, and this was one; Never Trust A Happy Staff Member. And the tone of her sentence matched that of a Nazi soldier informing a group of Jews that they had access to the communal saunas.

"Moving on. You will address me as Master Hyuuga. Not Hiashi, not Hii-chan, and certainly not 'that lecherous old bastard'. All homework is to be handed in on time, and there will be total silence during our lectures," Hiashi hissed. "Any questions?"

No one dared to raise their hands this time.

"Excellent! Now! I trust all of you know your alphabet, because I will gladly paralyze you for life if you don't!" Hiashi said, turning to the board. "We shall begin with basic sentence structure, spelling and grammar. Miss Mitarashi, feel free to maim anyone who speaks."

Out of the corner of her eye, Alice noticed Kat-chan mouthing a prayer.

"Feel free to take notes," Anko said dryly. There was a rush of activity as students frantically pulled out books and pens. Kat-chan hopped onto the cesk and took out a sliver of pencil lead, writing in the corner of Alice's page in tiny print.

"Alice, dear, that's an eyebrow pencil," Kai Lin muttered out of the corner of her mouth. Alice cursed herself for trying to find anything useful in Sarah's pencil case, and begged one off Rena.

"Now, basic grammar. We shall start with the common comma, so easily misplaced and misused even by great writers. And for those of you who believe that sentence structure comes second to great writing - "

"Then you can hang like a common tit," Anko drawled, biting her thumb. Behind her, Hiashi winced and made a careful note.

"Thank you. Continuing with the comma. Within speech, the comma is mostly used to lend a slight pause to a sentence - such as the one I am speaking now - to allow the speaker a chance to change tone, take a short breath or merely to add a break in a sentence. Within your written work, this can be most helpful when…"

Hiashi's lecture carried on, occasionally spiced up by a scathing comment courtesy of Anko. Seventeen notes were collected and read aloud, eight people were pinned to their desks by a kunai from nowhere for speaking, five entirely-expected-surprise attacks were thwarted and three small scuffles were broken up.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Alice felt her eyes drooping as the minutes ticked on - she really hadn't gotten much sleep last night, not with those damn fireworks going off left, right and center…Maybe she could sleep with her eyes open, and then…sort of teach herself how to…to..

"Ow!" Alice hissed as pain shot through her nose, jerking her awake. Kat-chan shrugged and resumed taking notes, occasionally shaking her hand vigorously.

"I had to punch you," Kat-chan whispered, chortling, "You were almost asleep on the desk. Anko was spinning a - ekkk!" A sleek knife lodged itself in the desk two inches from Kat-chan, quivering slightly for its sudden stop. If sharp objects could make a noise, this one would snigger.

They both bent industriously over their notes.

* * *

As they filed out slowly after class, many nursing wounds and bruises, Alice, Kat-chan and Sarah joined a lone Kai Lin. "Rena was asked to stay back. I reckon Master Hyuuga was spying on us, lecherous old - eeeek!"

The girls scattered as two snarling minis dropped from the dark recesses of the ceiling, one narrowly missing Sarah and the other striking Kai Lin dead on. Kai Lin took off, shrieking at the top of her lungs with the mini attached to her shirt.

"Hyuuga mini," Kat-chan observed, dangling from the strap of Sarah's bag as the two taller girls shot away from the commotion. "Or Hiyuga, as the case may be. Verrrrry interesting."

"Shut up, freeloader!!" Sarah squeaked, following Alice into one of the many dorm corridors. They finally stopped when they realized the minis would have lost interest the moment they were out of sight. Sarah checked her watch, sighing theatrically.

"I have to report down at the kitchen for an impromptu cooking class!! Honestly, dear," Sarah rolled her eyes and handed Kat-chan over to Alice. "there is no rule a Taco Bell can't be set up in Konoha!! Ridiculous, darling!! Tata!!"

Alice stared after Sarah as she skipped away, swinging her hair. "I half-expected the walls to sprout bluebirds. And the staff to join her in a complex dance number."

"Right before they stabbed her in the head," Kat-chan added as they slowly walked towards Alice's dorm.

"Which wouldn't penetrate her protective helmet of hair gel." Alice said, giggling guiltily.

"Good hair gel, though."

Silence.

"…I know, right?"


End file.
